I love lab work rawr!!!


And guess

Church!!!

Today's church session was great haha. Helped me to understand a lot.

Live by faith, not by law.


No matter what I am, God loves me, and I love Him too. Faith, hope and love, but love is the most important. With faith and love, you can never go wrong.

So I guess I'm gonna start living my life, start accepting who I am, and start loving myself more. Yeap. I shall do that. Hehe.

It's easy to love someone but why is it so difficult to have someone you love to love you back the same way?

I want to love someone who will feel the same way. I want someone to hug, to holds hands and to sleep together because of the warmth. I want someone who will love me for who I am. Someone who will text me and have something to do with me, someone to play with, someone I can be myself around, someone who will comfort me when I'm down, someone who loves not only the strong side but the weak side of me. I want someone who will encourage me, someone who can make me go an extra mile or do ridiculous things just for them. I want someone who is the world to me and also feel like I am the world to them. 

These are all materialistic, I know. All I need is someone to love, and for the same someone to love me back the same way, to feel the same way.

Maybe I have found the person, maybe not.

I don't know, guess I'm not worthy enough, because I'm just me. How could the people I like want someone like me. Ugly, stupid, weird, different. 

But well.. 

Have faith I guess? 

You know.. I may seem as ordinary as anyone else, but somehow deep down inside, I feel different. 

I have a secret about myself. And I'm not proud of it. It's something that's been haunting me for years and I just can't seem to accept it, at least not yet. You know my best friend told me not to keep any secrets between each other, but I don't dare to tell him. I'm so afraid that if I do tell him, he'll be freaked out or feel disgusted. I'm so afraid that if I tell him, he'll not treat me as his best friend anymore and everything will start to change. I mean how can anyone accept something when even I can't even accept it myself. And honestly I do feel disgusted by myself.

What am I supposed to do? Why can't there be a manual that tells you about everything that you're going to face when you're growing up. I don't want to face this, I really don't. The thought of it makes me feel like locking myself inside a cupboard forever. I just want to hug someone and be told that I'm fine and it's okay. I need to talk to someone. Someone who will understand me and someone who won't run away or feel disgusted by me. There's only one person I can talk to but I can't risk it. I just can't. I don't want to hurt him or hurt me or change everything. I don't want to lose the only person who cares about me. I'm so scared. 

Guess I'll just go sleep. Away from this reality. A safe haven.